The Road To Freedom
by SnowHelm
Summary: Zevran's arrival in Kirkwall will change not only his own future, but the futures of a broody elf and the Warden apostate he seeks. (AU)
1. Misunderstandings

_**Author Note:**__ (A little story dedicated to Shadowfox13 featuring Fenris, Anders and Zevran. Thanks for everything). _

_I hope you enjoy._

_****__Disclaimer: __I do not own Dragon Age Origins, DA2 or any of its characters._

**xXx**

Anders stared at the flames a frown creasing his brow. He knew he was getting too comfortable in the mansion; that he needed to get back to the clinic, but he had exhausted himself and he had little left to give. Justice was becoming increasingly vocal the longer he stayed and he was becoming almost impossible to block. Justice ranted that his lover was a distraction, so too were his friends. Anders tried to make him understand that he was only human; that he had to rest, that every minute could not be spent steeped in a battle that was centuries old. Leaning forward to soak up the heat, Anders closed his eyes taking what few precious moments he could before the fragile happiness he had managed to build finally crumbled around him. He heard the door to the mansion open and then close hearing the subtle movements as Fenris climbed the stairs. He glanced to the door as it opened his breath catching. Fenris was soaked from head to toe; but Anders was spellbound by him, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his lips as Fenris shook his hair, droplets of rain joining the others on the floor as they dripped from his armour.

Fenris smiled appreciatively at the fire and drew close, stopping to press a soft kiss to the top of Anders head.

Anders loved those tender moments when Fenris let his guard down for a brief moment or two.

"I invited Zevran to the card game tonight. He spends too much time alone."

Anders bit his lip to stop himself from speaking, to stop the tirade of hurt that was desperate to move beyond his lips. He simply nodded and continued to gaze at the flames. Zevran had joined their group just over two months ago. Anders had been busy at the clinic and so had been unaware of the job to capture him, but Hawke changed his mind liking the flirtatious former Crow and Zevran had stayed on. Little by little Anders had noticed how much time he and Fenris spent together, how relaxed Fenris was in his company and how often the assassin could bring a smile to his lips. His heart could barely stand it given how often their hands would brush together.

"Anders!"

Looking up startled Anders realised Fenris had been trying to get his attention for several moments. "Sorry I was just thinking."

"Of what?"

Anders blinked and looked away. "Nothing important."

Fenris gave a soft grunt realising Anders was not himself. "Tell me anyway."

Anders glanced to him and rose. "I'm going for a walk while you have your bath." He grabbed his staff; flinching as Fenris gripped his arm, the warrior easing his hold but not letting go.

"Anders tell me what is wrong."

Anders knew he was close to tears and had to leave before Fenris realised. He patted Fenris's hand. "Nothing, I just need some fresh air."

"I will accompany you."

Anders felt a surge of panic. "No! I'm not a child Fenris I _can_ walk unaccompanied in the streets."

Fenris stared at him in alarm. "I was not suggesting …"

"Yes you were!" Anders yelled; his voice trembling. "You don't have to look after me; I can take care of myself!" He yanked his arm away and stormed down the stairs slamming the door.

Fenris stared after him in utter bewilderment. He quickly scanned the events of the day trying to discover what he had done to upset his lover, but he came up blank. With a deep sigh he moved to the bathroom, the bath Anders had prepared for him was still hot. Fenris smiled softly his fingers drifting across the water; Anders was always doing thoughtful things. They had come a long way from their days of openly hating each other, but given his outburst perhaps not as far as Fenris had thought. He quickly undressed and sank into the soothing water his mind playing over and over Anders troubling departure.

**xXx**

Anders stormed through the rain slick streets; his hair plastered to his face, his jacket sodden in minutes. At least the streets were relatively empty. He headed for the clinic, spending the next hour trying to work on his manifesto before he stood up and in a fit of rage tore it apart scattering the paper to the floor. Justice raged in his head and Anders raged back. He was tired of the spirit always telling him he wasn't doing enough. He hated mage oppression but he was one man and though he would never admit it he had lost hope a long time ago. He hated Kirkwall wishing not for the first time he had stayed with the Wardens. He leaned against the desk giving a weary sigh as Justice raged on. He tried to drown out his voice thinking of Amaranthine, of Aedan his former Commander and wondering how his friend was doing. He sighed again wondering if he had any right to still call him friend. He felt the familiar ache for the man he had been before Justice. He had his inner demons then of course; but he was quick to smile, quick witted and fun to be around. Now he was irritable, overly sensitive and quick to argue.

Rubbing his forehead he sank onto the seat his thoughts inevitably drifting to Fenris. He could hardly blame him for whatever was happening with Zevran. The assassin was sexy; powerful, an elf and the most striking thing in his favour was he was not a possessed mage. Maker if he wasn't so damn jealous he would like to spend more time in Zevran's company himself. He had heard a great deal about the former Crow from Aedan. He clenched his fists and angrily wiped away the tears. He loved Fenris, he had never admitted it but he did and the thought of him being with someone else was crippling. He stood again pacing nervously, maybe it was time to leave Kirkwall afterall. Justice's ideas were getting more alarming by the day and Anders was becoming afraid of what he might be driven to do. He moved to the back room and packed his meagre belongings, ignoring Justice's fury. Leaving was the best plan, before he could hurt anyone. Fenris could find happiness with Zevran perhaps and he could … Anders sank onto the bed. What could he do? He was alone as he had always been, well as alone as you could get with a spirit driving you mad. "SHUT UP JUSTICE!" He roared, the voice finally falling quiet. He pulled on his damp coat, grabbed his pack and staff and glanced around the clinic. He had made some difference here; but it was not enough to ease Justice's drive and it was not enough to give him peace. He was torn from his thoughts as the door was forcibly opened. Anders dropped the pack and gripped his staff as two Templars entered the clinic swords drawn.

"I won't let you take me to the Circle." Anders gasped, terror flowing through him.

"Oh we aren't taking you to the Circle. Meredith's orders; you're too much trouble mage, we put you down here and now!"

**xXx**

Fenris was sitting in Varric's room drumming his fingers on the table in agitation.

"What's up Broody?"

Fenris glanced to Varric and sighed. "Anders was behaving most strangely."

Varric raised an eyebrow. "More than usual?"

Fenris rolled his eyes then nodded. "More than usual."

Varric settled back in his chair and decided some home truths were necessary. "Fenris can you really blame him?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Come on Broody did you think he wouldn't notice you and Blades? Blondie may be many things but he is not stupid."

Fenris looked at him dumbfounded. "Varric what are you talking about?"

"Look Fenris it's not my place to interfere. Be with whoever you like; but don't string Blondie along, he doesn't deserve it."

"Varric there is nothing between me and Zevran."

Varric leaned forward realizing Fenris was being perfectly serious. "Well I suggest you tell that to Blondie, because the way you and Blades have been acting you've had us all thinking something was going on between you."

Fenris gave a low groan putting his head in his hands. "It's not like that. Why didn't he just say something?"

Varric raised an eyebrow. "In his place would you?"

Fenris gave a low growl in his throat before he stood.

"Be nice Broody. I'd hate to have to kick your ass."

**xXx**

Zevran hated Darktown; it was cold, dirty and filled with the desperate, but Tomwise was the best source of a particular poison he favoured and so he would put up with the filth and the prying eyes. He noticed two Templars heading towards the clinic feeling a tug of alarm. His first thought was to get Fenris, but that might be too late. He glanced to the young boy who was always hanging around near the poison master. He knelt down and caught the young boys attention. "Do you know the Hanged Man?"

"Yes."

"Have you heard of a dwarf by the name of Varric?"

The boy grinned broadly. "I often run messages for him."

"Good. I want you to go and tell him that there is trouble at the clinic. Can you remember that?" The boy nodded enthusiastically. "Good. I will give you one gold coin if you hurry."

The boy gave a delighted grin and ran off.

Zevran slipped cautiously towards the clinic hissing as he saw Anders dodge a blade and drive his staff into the chest of one of the Templars trying to get some distance between them. He had not spoken much to him respecting his apparent need to keep his distance, but he was aware of Fenris's involvement with him and Hawke's deep affection for him. Even without that, the way Aedan had spoken of Anders would have brought Zevran to his aid. He darted forward unsheathing his daggers at the mages pained cry. He silently moved behind one Templar driving his foot into his knee driving him to the ground, yanking off his helmet and grabbing a fistfull of hair he pulled backwards sliding his blade across the now exposed throat, kicking him to one side as Anders managed to drive the other Templar back from him, Zevran sliding his blade into a chink in the armour, twisting and pushing until the blade sank into a lung. The Templar gasped, coughing up blood before hitting the ground as dead as his fellow. Zevran glanced to the mage who had slumped against the desk. He was breathing heavily, his face pale.

Anders glanced up at Zevran. "Thanks." He groaned, holding his side.

"You do not look well." Zevran muttered moving to his side.

"Bastards hit me with a Smite." Anders gasped. He pulled his hand from his side wincing at the blood. "Think they had magebane on the blades." He mumbled as he sank to his knees.

Zevran glanced at him in alarm seeing the blood spreading across his tunic. "Come, let me help you." He coaxed Anders onto one of the cots helping him out of his tunic so he could better see the wound. "Now my friend, I am no healer but I have had to attend to wounds before. May I?"

Anders nodded; he felt exhausted and this was not something he could do for himself, his mana was drained and he could barely stand.

"You have healing potions, yes?"

Anders pointed to his supplies and watched Zevran delicately pick the items he required. "Zevran could you get a blanket, it's cold."

Zevran nodded and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders supporting him to drink a healing potion. He gently and carefully cleaned the wound and threaded the needle. He kept a straight face, but the wound was deep and spanned from Anders upper ribs to his hip. "This may take some time my friend, but I need you to stay awake."

Anders felt the cold settle on his limbs realising if he lost much more blood he was not going to make it. He shuddered as Zevran began to sew the wound trying not to whimper. He wanted more than anything to pass out and was frustrated when Zevran stopped and shook him gently.

"I said stay awake my friend."

Anders tried to focus on him, coughing painfully. "When were you last in Amaranthine?"

Zevran smiled and settled down picking up the needle. "I came to Kirkwall by way of Amaranthine as it happens."

Anders closed his eyes trying to control the rush of nausea as he felt the tug of the needle and thread. "Aedan is he … is he well."

"He is. Our enigmatic Warden Commander speaks of you often. I believe he misses you."

Anders swallowed the lump in his throat feeling the tears of old grief well. "I miss him too." He whispered. They remained silent for several minutes and Anders felt the weariness drift over him and take hold.

"Anders."

Forcing his eyes to open he glanced to Zevran, blond hair and hazel eyes not unlike his own. Perhaps in that they were equal in Fenris's eyes, but he was no elf so Zevran got that point and Zevran was no mage, yet another point to him. Anders sighed deeply; Zevran was no abomination that was probably at least ten points in his favour.

"What are you thinking of?" Zevran coaxed.

Anders felt a little hazy and blinked rapidly trying to focus. "I was just thinking I understand why Fenris would prefer you."

Zevran raised an eyebrow. "Prefer me to what?"

"To me."

Zevran hesitated realising now why Anders had kept his distance. "I am not a threat to you." He said gently. "I may flirt, but people can be friends without being lovers. That was something Aedan taught me."

"You make him smile so easily." Anders murmured. "I mean really smile." He sighed miserably. "I never make his eyes smile like you do." Anders tried to focus on him, but gave up and lay back on the cot. "I've made so many mistakes." He gave a shuddering breath as Zevran finished stitching the wound, wincing as he applied a healing salve and began to bind the wound.

"We all make mistakes my friend."

"Not like mine."

Zevran raised an eyebrow. "Perhaps. Of which mistake do you speak?"

"The one where I have a spirit in me that is slowly driving me crazy." Closing his eyes Anders sighed in relief when Zevran finished and wrapped another blanket around him. "That's why Fenris is with me you know, to keep an eye on me. He thinks I don't know. He and Hawke weren't very subtle." Anders shivered painfully. "Could I have another blanket please?"

Zevran grabbed several blankets and surprised Anders as he wrapped his arms around him pulling him to his chest, wrapping the blankets around them both. "You need heat."

Relaxing against his chest Anders soaked up the warmth, he was shivering badly and each movement caused him pain. "Thank you for helping me."

"You are welcome. It is perhaps not my place to say, but I do not believe Fenris is with you from duty or obligation."

Resting his head on Zevran's shoulder Anders allowed himself to relax. "It's okay. You don't have to worry about me, I'm a big boy."

Zevran felt his heart clinch. He knew the front the mage put up to hide his vulnerability, he knew too some of the horrors he had suffered in his time in the Circle. Aedan had told him during a night when he got so drunk he could barely stand. He missed Anders terribly, felt he had failed him and worried for him. He had sworn Zevran to silence knowing he would never break his oath. Zevran glanced at the pack on the floor. "You were leaving?"

"I stayed longer than I should have, much longer than I meant to." Anders murmured sleepily. "I'm sorry we haven't spoken much. I … I wanted to but …"

Zevran gently ran his fingers through Anders hair smiling as the mage relaxed further. "But you thought I was stealing Fenris from you."

Anders shook his head. "Later maybe, but at first I was scared to speak to you. Afraid Aedan hated me and …. I …. I wanted to keep pretending he was still my friend."

Zevran made a tsking noise. "There is no need for pretence; he misses you just as you miss him. It is foolish to keep this distance between you. Sometimes we must stop running."

Anders closed his eyes; there was no way to outrun himself. He was aware Zevran was telling him to stay awake, but he was warm and comfortable and tired of fighting.

**xXx**

Fenris raced through Darktown his heart pounding fiercely. The boy's words still ringing in his ears _'trouble at the clinic'_. He skidded to a halt seeing the door tilted at an odd angle having been wrenched from one of the hinges. He spied Zevran who was gently laying Anders down wrapping several blankets around him.

Zevran smiled to Fenris and held up his hands calmingly. "He is sleeping only. I have dealt with the wound."

"What happened?" He moved quickly to Anders gently cupping his cheek.

"Templars."

Fenris clenched his fists. "I should have been with him." He glanced to the pack. "Yours?" He paled as Zevran shook his head.

"Anders seems to have misunderstood our friendship."

Fenris closed his eyes groaning. "Foolish mage." He muttered.

"Do not be too hard on him, we have spent much time together my friend and I am flirtatious by nature and you are incredibly handsome."

Fenris sank onto the opposite cot. "I never meant to hurt him; I simply find it easy to speak to you. I am comfortable with you."

Zevran smiled and sat next to him. "Perhaps the fault is mine for being so utterly gorgeous."

Fenris snorted.

"Perhaps the mansion would be more comfortable for his recovery. I will aid you and then I will travel for a while, perhaps return in a few months to visit."

Fenris swallowed. "I would be sad to see you leave."

Zevran smiled. "I too will be sad to leave, but some things are more important."

"You don't need to leave Zevran." Came Anders soft voice.

Fenris moved to his side. "Anders, can you not stay out of trouble for five minutes?" He winced as a pained look crossed Anders face. Gently caressing his cheek he smiled. "Come you will be more comfortable at the mansion."

Anders swallowed hard; theirs had always been a fragile relationship each walking the knife edge and he was tired of pretending to himself that he had no heart to hurt. Anders shook his head. "You go to the mansion I'll be just fine here."

Fenris growled at his stubbornness. "Why must you always fight me?"

Anders licked his dry lips. "It's time to stop pretending Fenris." He winced painfully and clutched his side as he slowly sat up.

"What are you talking about?" Fenris could feel his anger rising and struggled to control it. He was not angry at Anders; but at himself, but he knew when they fought he fell back into old habits of blaming Anders for everything. It was something he had not done for some time and he did not wish to do it now.

"I'm a burden you never wanted I've always known that."

Fenris felt his stomach knot, his anger fading into a deep sorrow. "Anders."

"I heard you and Hawke. I know. He asked you to watch me and you have. You don't need to anymore."

Fenris cupped his jaw forcing Anders to look at him. "Perhaps at first, but that has not been my reason to be with you in a long time. Look in my eyes and tell me you do not know how I feel about you."

Anders realised he was trembling, tears threatening to spill. "Don't do this to me." Anders whimpered. "Don't give me hope where there is none."

Fenris swallowed the frustration and settled beside him. "Anders I am truly sorry that you thought there was something between Zevran and I. He is my friend only."

Anders allowed Fenris to hold him and was almost grateful for the sharp pain that lanced through him as he lost consciousness.

Fenris looked to Zevran in panic. "I cannot lose him Zevran."


	2. Slow To Heal

Anders woke in a soft warm bed in a room lit only with firelight. He heard voices and realised Fenris and Zevran were talking softly. He lay silently; listening until he drifted, their words becoming the tapestry of his dreams.

_He was walking the corridors of Vigil's Keep searching for Aedan. He called out for his friend and Commander time and time again, but there was only silence to answer him. He made his way to the great hall, pausing in the doorway. Aedan was sitting on the chair at the far end of the room, Zevran to his right and Fenris to his left._

"_He is weak." Zevran whispered in his soft purr._

_Aedan sighed and nodded. "Come forward Anders."_

_Anders glanced around uneasily, slowly moving forward his eyes resting on Fenris. There was no warmth to his eyes; his frame was tense, his air hostile. "What's going on?" He whispered._

_Aedan stood and closed the distance between them. He gently cupped Anders cheek pressing their foreheads together. "Why did you do it Anders? Why didn't you come to me? Why did you take that damn spirit into yourself?"_

_Anders lip trembled, aching as Aedan's hand slipped to his neck. "I wanted to help my friend. He would have died. Or at least I thought he would ...I ..."_

"_Anders you blew up a damn Chantry!"_

_Anders eyes widened and he raised his head sinking into honey eyes that held only pain and disappointment. "No! That … I didn't … I wouldn't …" His thoughts fell into chaos; Justice had proposed it but he had refused, he wouldn't kill to bring change, he was a healer, not a murderer. He knew he had been blacking out, had it happened then? Was Justice taking over him in those moments? He looked to Aedan in panic._

"_But you did! I would never give you to the Templars brother I know what they put you through; but you have to pay for your crime, this is the only way. Forgive me Anders. "_

_Anders stared at him uncomprehending before the pain tore into his body as the blade sank into his flesh. He screamed, struggling as Zevran and Fenris held him down. They were urging him to be quiet and calm, but fire burned through his body. He smelt blood in the air, then a coldness clinging to him dragging him down. The room began to spin, suddenly the only thing he was aware of was Fenris gripping him tightly. _

"_Anders hold on. Damn it Zevran why is he bleeding so much?"_

_Zevran's voice floated to Anders sounding distant; a whisper only, tinged with a panic he did not associate with the assassin. He wanted to tell Fenris it was okay; that Justice was quiet here, that there was peace despite the pain, but his lips wouldn't move and as Fenris began to fade Anders wondered if the Maker would forgive him._

**xXx**

Fenris felt the panic race through his body as Zevran tended to the wound. Anders had been struggling in his sleep and some of the stitching had burst. Zevran worked quickly to close the wound; his usual air of calm confidence wavering at Anders almost grey complexion, at his struggles to breathe and the terror on Fenris's face. Anders was burning with fever, his struggling ceasing as his strength waned. They watched him through the night; administering healing potions, pressing tepid cloths to his fevered skin and coaxing drops of water passed his unresponsive lips.

Fenris paced, threatening death for the Knight Commander if Anders died.

Zevran did his best to soothe him; coaxing him to lie next to Anders as the mage began to shiver, moving to the fire adding another log to give Fenris some privacy

Fenris stretched out on the bed wrapping a blanket around them both gently stroking Anders hair refusing to give into the panic tearing into him, Anders needed him and he would not fail him. His words were spoken softly. "Anders you know it has never been easy for me to acknowledge my feelings, but I swear you will never again doubt how much you mean to me." He swallowed painfully as Anders gave a whimper of pain. "You think it is me watching over you; but you have saved me more times than I can count, from my anger, from my need for vengeance, from my pride. I would be lost without you Anders." He pressed a soft kiss to his cheek. "I love you." He whispered, entwining their fingers. "Forgive me for not having said it before."

Zevran was no stranger to loss; yet this was shockingly painful, his mind filled with regret that he had not moved swifter, that he had kept his distance from the mage. He did something he had not done in a long time, he silently prayed to the Maker that he would be given the opportunity to get to know Anders for himself. He was drawn from his thoughts by Fenris calling to him.

"He's freezing." Fenris muttered gently rubbing Anders arms trying to coax some warmth back into them. He glanced at Zevran startled as he stripped to his smalls and got into the other side of the bed. There was no flirtatious grin; no smirk or playful wink, only concern and determination. They nestled into Anders, Zevran careful to cause no further harm to the wound. Slowly warmth began to return to Anders trembling limbs. Fenris swallowed painfully. "Thank you Zevran, for helping him and for staying."

Zevran finally allowed a smile to drift over his lips. "How could I miss the opportunity of being in bed with two such handsome men?"

Fenris rolled his eyes but smiled. "How indeed." He glanced to Anders as he cried out to Aedan before falling silent. He turned back to Zevran. "Will you tell me of Aedan? Anders rarely mentions his time with the Wardens; it seems to hold deep pain for him."

Zevran allowed a wistful smile. "Ah; to tell of the Commander would likely take a lifetime. He is a man of great strength, courage and integrity. He would lay down his life to save a friend." He glanced to Anders sadness in his eyes. "Or risk everything to save a friendship. In that Aedan and Anders are very alike. I came to the Free Marches in my search for Anders four years ago, I return each year to ensure his health and safety. This time I was waylaid by Nuncio and his fools." He smiled at Fenris's alarmed look. "Anders is greatly missed my friend, not just by the Commander but by his fellow Wardens. They seek his safe return, but not by force. They respect his choice; but each year he appears to struggle more and so this time Aedan requested I stay if I could, to perhaps persuade him to come back."

Fenris shifted slightly. "While Justice is within him he will never be safe. Why have you not said anything before now? Why do this these past years for a man you do not know?"

Zevran smiled. "I do it for a friendship I would give my life for. As for why I said nothing Anders seemed to wish to keep distance between us. I thought it best to wait, give him a chance to come to know me in person. I knew Aedan spoke of me to Anders and we thought that in itself would make him wary of me, it seems we were in part correct. As for his situation … Aedan seeks a way to change it, to free Anders from this possession."

Fenris raised an eyebrow. "I thought only death could free a spirit from its host."

"Perhaps. Aedan knows a woman who might be able to help, a mage herself and a powerful one."

"She will help?"

Zevran gave a slight shrug. "One never knows with Morrigan, she is a fickle creature, as elusive as she is beautiful. He risks much pain in seeking her out. Their parting was … difficult."

"But he would do this for Anders?"

"He would. Anders is as much a brother to him as if they were flesh and blood. He was devastated when he left."

Fenris sighed and gazed at Anders. "He thinks himself alone, my poor foolish Anders."

Zevran smiled. "Then we shall have to change that my friend."

**xXx**

Anders recovery was slow, complicated by severe blood loss and the magebane that took some time to leave his system. He was initially embarrassed having to accept help with the smallest task of self-care; despite having been on the other side more times than he could count, but he hated feeling weak and helpless. He was startled by the kindness shown by Zevran and Fenris's unwavering patience. He had been stunned to wake that first morning to both elves practically naked and wrapped around him; almost chuckling at Fenris's embarrassed explanation, catching Zevran's teasing smirk and feeling overwhelmingly grateful to them both.

Neither Zevran nor Fenris spoke to Anders of Aedan's search to free him from Justice; not wanting to raise his hopes, or incite him to run, uncertain of how much hold Justice truly had over him.

Varric visited, so too did Isabela entertaining Anders with tales of her exploits with Zevran and her meeting with the Hero of Ferelden. Aveline also made an appearance to assure them the bodies of the Templars had been dealt with, but also to remind Anders he would need to be careful. Hawke visited bringing food; wine and a deck of cards, the four men playing Wicked Grace until Anders could stay awake no longer and retreated to bed encouraging the others to finish their game, mumbling sleepily that their voices helped him to sleep.

**xXx**

Fenris gently bathed the wound and changed the dressing before pressing a soft kiss to Anders throat, smiling at the happy purr rumbling in his throat. "It seems to finally be starting to heal, I had no idea mage bane could cause such problems."

Anders flushed slightly. "If you get hit with it enough it's like having an allergic reaction. In time it becomes a poison rather than simply a means of debilitation."

Fenris glanced at him uneasily; Anders rarely talked specifically of his own past with the Templars. "You have experienced it before?"

Anders looked away. "The Templars and I didn't see eye to eye."

"And they used this to debilitate you?"

Anders cleared his throat and rose from the chair clutching his side as he moved to the window. "Even when they didn't need to." He whispered.

Fenris clenched his fists; slowly releasing them before he moved to Anders, gently wrapping his arms around his waist. "Anders I …"

"It's okay Fenris, let's not talk about this I'm too tired to argue."

Frowning Fenris pressed his lips to his ear. "Why would we argue?"

Anders turned and gave him an incredulous look. "Because we always argue when conversations involve Templars."

Fenris sighed. "I suppose that is true." He pressed a soft kiss to Anders throat. "You feel cold."

Anders blinked sleepily; he was struggling to stay warm and he was exhausted, but he didn't want to worry Fenris more than he was. "Maybe I'll just snuggle under the blankets for a while." Anders was grateful when Fenris joined him in bed. Compared to himself, Fenris felt like a furnace and he craved the heat. They lay together in comfortable silence, Anders starting to doze when Fenris gave a deep sigh.

"I cannot stop thinking about what would have happened if Zevran had not been in Darktown." Fenris whispered, nuzzling into his neck.

Anders was deeply grateful to Zevran, but he still didn't quite believe there was nothing between him and Fenris. It pulled at him like his wound. The magebane had kept his magic at bay, but it had also kept Justice quiet. With its influence reduced Justice was reasserting himself and with it Anders insecurities and fears were increasing as Justice seeded doubts in his mind. He lay facing the wall; Fenris pressed against his back his hand resting on his leg to avoid the wound. "Fenris will you be honest with me about something?"

"Of course."

"You like Zevran don't you?"

"Of course I like him."

Anders felt the pain hit his heart and he closed his eyes, biting his lip. "He's a good man."

"Yes he is." Fenris felt his tension and groaned. "Anders I like him as a friend."

Anders turned over wincing in pain. "It's okay Fenris, please I just need you to be honest with me."

Fenris held onto his temper and gently cupped Anders cheek. "I like Zevran; I am comfortable with him and yes he is attractive, but I am with _you_! I love _you_."

Anders shook his head. "Fenris I've seen the way you look at each other. I understand, truly I do. I'm going to go back to the clinic I can't … it hurts too much to know I can't make you happy like he does. It was never going to last between us; it was a foolish wish, a dream." He pressed a soft kiss to Fenris's cheek, the ache of his heart increasing. "I'll heal, I'm not your responsibility."

Fenris stared at him startled. "Anders what in the Void?"

"Damn it Fenris I am trying to make this easy!" Anders eased out of the bed. "Just be with Zevran, he makes you happy. There's no complication of mages and spirits." He glanced to the warrior. "I want you to be happy Fenris, more than I want to be happy myself."

Fenris could contain his anger no longer. It was not that Anders was accusing him of being unfaithful; or that he was being so bloody self-sacrificing, the stinging point was he had been going to leave and that had been slowly destroying him.

Anders tensed as Fenris's lyrium brands flared and he was shoved back against the wall trying not to let Fenris see how much it hurt.

"You were just going to leave!" Fenris snarled. "No goodbye, no note! Do you have any idea what that would have done to me and don't you dare say I would have Zevran. Understand this once and for all, there is nothing going on with me and Zevran!"

Anders felt a rush of nausea remaining silent as he tried to control the urge to vomit.

"I suppose I shouldn't be surprised." Fenris continued to rant keeping Anders pinned to the wall. "You ran from the Circle. You ran from the Wardens. I suppose it was inevitable you would run from me! Zevran's just an excuse isn't he! Have you simply tired of me? Maybe it's time for_ you _to be honest!"

Anders swallowed with difficulty, his body trembling. He couldn't speak, the pain taking his breath from him.

"Nothing!" Fenris snarled. "Damn you Anders you're not even denying it." Fenris pulled away. "Do as you please." He hissed. "Stay or go I'm done caring!"

Anders watched as he left the room, hearing the door close. He slumped against the wall before collapsing to his knees breathing hard. It had been a long time since Fenris had shown such anger at him, he had almost forgotten how terrifying he could be. He shrugged off the blanket wincing at the blood on his tunic. He forced himself back to his feet moving into the bathroom. He tried to manifest his magic; it was barely a trickle, but it was enough to stop the bleeding. Anders leant over the wash basin sighing in frustration he was ruining everything. He imagined a life without Fenris and felt the tears burn. He closed his eyes wondering if he could simply ignore the looks between them, be blind to the obvious affection. He gritted his teeth as Justice reminded him love was a waste of time and he had work to do. "Please be quiet." Anders whispered clutching his forehead. "Please just leave me alone Justice I can't … I can't take any more." His body shuddered as he fought against him. "Leave me alone!" He screamed as Justice's whispers continued. "Please." He gasped sinking to his knees. "Please leave me alone. Please. Please." His pleading falling to silence as he lost consciousness.

**xXx**

Anders woke shivering on the cold floor. Each movement as he forced himself to his knees bringing pain. He gave a snarl of frustration realising the wound had been bleeding again.

"Will you let me help?"

Anders turned startled to see Fenris in the doorway, regret and guilt in his eyes. He nodded not trusting himself to speak. He realised he was trembling as Fenris gently cleaned the wound once more and applied a new dressing.

Fenris gently turned Anders to face him pressing his forehead to his. "Forgive me please, I … I do care, more than you seem to realise." He pulled back. "May we speak; I swear I will keep my temper under control."

Anders nodded as he shivered, Fenris helping him to his feet. "Can we sit I feel shaky?"

They sat by the fire, Fenris rubbing his hands in agitation. "Anders I have little knowledge of my life before these brands, if I loved I do not remember it. I felt only hate and anger and pain and then Hawke asked me to watch over you knowing how much that damn spirit torments you. I hated you I made no secret of it; you are a mage everything I had come to hate, but little by little I saw the man you are until the fact you were a mage was only a small part of you." Fenris knelt beside him and took his hands alarmed by how cold he was. "Anders listen to me; I love you. I want to be with you, not out of guilt, or duty or obligation. My life would be empty without you. Please I will do whatever it takes to prove I love you and only you."

Anders sighed; even now he wasn't sure he could tell Fenris that he loved him too. He forced himself to look at Fenris, those beautiful green eyes gleaming with unshed tears. Anders gently cupped his cheek pressing a soft kiss to his lips. "When I heard Hawke ask you to watch over me I didn't mind, because it meant spending more time with you." Anders gave a soft laugh. "Maker even when I hated you I lo …" He looked away feeling the tears slip down his cheeks. "In the Circle you are taught not to love, to hide your feelings because it will only get you and the other person hurt. Then I met you and I wanted you to see beyond Justice, beyond me being a mage. I wanted your friendship, but you gave me so much more. I … I feel jealous only because I know in my heart Zevran would be better for you than me. " He glanced to Fenris startled to see tears slipping down his cheeks. He gently caught one with his thumb ignoring his own tears. "I will only hurt you." He whispered his heart breaking.

Fenris gripped his hands rising slightly so they were eye level. "Surely that is my risk to take."

Anders shook his head. "I couldn't bear it if I hurt you Fenris, I … I love you too much."

Fenris felt as though the smile on his face lit his whole body, to finally hear those words from Anders lips was all he wanted. "I choose us, I choose our love over any risk."

Anders sank into his embrace ignoring Justice's spiteful murmurings. "I'm so tired Fenris. Tired of fighting, tired of running. I just want peace."

Fenris held him close. "I will find a way to free you my love, I swear it."


	3. Friendship

Anders was struggling with the inactivity of his confinement and the weakness of his body. He eased out of bed careful not to wake Fenris, glancing to Zevran who had fallen asleep on the chair by the fire. Neither mage nor warrior had the heart to wake the assassin and had instead covered him with a blanket. Anders gently tucked the blanket back around his shoulders, after his talk with Fenris he was not feeling quite so insecure and had managed to drown out much of Justice's incessant bile.

Grabbing his staff, Anders slipped silently down the stairs to the main hall. He slowly began to warm up his body with gentle exercises ignoring the protest of his weakened muscles and the pull of the healing wound. He worked through a set of warm up exercises to get him used to the staff again; but his body ached, his wound throbbed and he was quickly exhausted. Anders sank onto the steps breathing heavily, resting his head against the staff in frustration.

"Your strength is returning each day, but you must pace yourself." Zevran settled next to him. He gave the mage a warm smile relieved that Anders had visibly relaxed in his presence and he finally seemed to have accepted that he and Fenris were friends only.

"I know, I just hate feeling useless and I need to be ready in case …."

"In case the Templars come for you again?"

Anders allowed a slight smile. "Can't get much passed you."

Chuckling, Zevran nudged him gently. "No my friend, you cannot. Now, perhaps you will allow me to assist."

"Assist how?"

Zevran gave him a cheeky grin. "Perhaps I could massage the tension from those muscles for you."

Anders shook his head, amusement in his tone. "Maker do you ever stop flirting?"

"Only if the occasion calls for it. I have heard you were quite the flirt yourself." Zevran purred.

Staring at his hands Anders gave a wistful smile. "I was a lot of things once."

"Come, I will show you some moves that will strengthen your muscles and not antagonise your wound quite so much."

Anders gave him a teasing smile. "What happened to the massage?"

"The offer remains open." Zevran stated with a smirk.

**xXx**

Anders slowly built up his strength. During the day he trained with Zevran or Fenris; he was still tired much of the time, but he was improving with each day. He had yet to leave the mansion and although desperate to get out he admitted to Fenris that he was afraid of what the Templars would do if they found him.

Hawke however had a plan; he brought brand new clothes of dragon hide with runes sewn into them. The trousers, jacket and boots were black, with a second outfit of dark tan. He had also brought an assortment of tunics in a variety of colours, each with runes embedded within them. "You still have your magical embellishments, but these should offer more protection that your other clothes did."

Anders was surprised by how comfortable they felt, only slightly heavier than his usual clothes. "Hawke this is too much."

"I happen to be ridiculously rich you know; besides I wanted to." He gave a cheeky smile. "Sorry I couldn't get anything with feathers, but I figured that might give you away."

Anders flushed slightly. "It's great Hawke, thanks."

"We aren't finished yet. We are going to darken your hair and change the style."

Anders raised an eyebrow. "Hawke."

Hawke's grin widened. "Trust me."

**xXx**

Anders stared in the mirror hardly recognising himself. His hair had gone from blonde to chestnut brown. Instead of being pulled back into a ponytail, thin braids kept his hair from his face tied together at the back. He hadn't shaved at Zevran's request and Hawke had darkened the week of growth.

Hawke glanced at him nervously as he remained silent. "It's not permanent." He said, gently squeezing Anders arm.

Anders turned and hugged his friend. "Thanks Hawke; it's great, I mean it."

Hawke relaxed. "Now we just need to figure out a way to disguise your staff and you can take on Kirkwall."

Glancing back to the mirror Anders gazed at himself, getting used to the face staring back. It was amazing how different you could look with a change of hair and some new clothes. He glanced up as Fenris leaned on the door frame, Zevran smiling approvingly behind him. He relaxed as Fenris smiled, sinking into the kiss as he was pulled tight to him.

Hawke grinned and slipped from the room draping his arm over Zevran's shoulders. "I think we did good."

Zevran grinned, he was in full agreement.

**xXx**

Hawke, with the help of Fenris and Zevran persuaded Anders to go with him to the High Town market, suggesting he pretend he was a noble visiting. Anders took a deep breath as he stepped out of the door to calm his anxiety. He shivered slightly feeling the bite of winter approaching, the icy air tugging at his longer than usual hair. He rubbed his jaw unused to so much facial hair, but if it kept him from being recognised it was worth it.

Several Templars were milling around outside of the Chantry and although they gave Anders a passing glance no-one approached him. Anders was stunned no-one seemed to recognise him and he found he could walk around the market freely. However his anxiety returned full force when four Templars walked down the steps clearly looking for someone. They headed in his direction, his throat constricting with fear. He felt Fenris move closer to him and realised he was trembling. The Templars walked straight passed him before breaking into a run as a young boy dodged around a stall and made a run for the stairs. Anders leant weakly against Fenris and was grateful when they returned to the mansion.

**xXx**

Although still reluctant to leave the mansion Anders forced himself to at least several times a week, it would have been daily but for their proximity to the Chantry. Anders also expressed his desire to return to the Clinic which everyone strongly opposed, but Anders was nothing if not stubborn and so finally he got his way accompanied by Fenris, Zevran, Hawke and Varric they headed down to Darktown.

Everyone froze as they reached the steps leading to the clinic, Hawke wishing they had checked it out before they had brought Anders. The clinic had been gutted by fire.

Anders stared in horror at the charred remains of benches and cots, his supplies destroyed. It didn't take a genius to realise the place had been wrecked before being set alight. He stumbled into the back room similar devastation meeting his gaze. He pushed aside the charred remains of the small table and frantically clawed at the burned floorboards, ripping them up not caring the skin of his fingers were torn in the process.

"Anders what are you doing?" Fenris hissed in alarm.

Anders gave a sigh of relief and pulled the book from the secret compartment. There was some smoke damage to the cover, but other than that it had survived intact. He glanced to Fenris. "It is a gift for you."

Fenris glanced to him startled and helped him back to his feet, taking the offered book. He swallowed the lump forming in his throat. "Thank you."

Anders smiled shyly. "I thought you might like it."

Fenris gently brushed his fingers over the cover lingering on the letters of the title 'The Road To Freedom'. He glanced to Anders, his voice trembling slightly. "Perhaps we can read it together."

Anders smiled. "I'd love to."

**xXx**

Zevran spent most of his free time at the mansion. Anders had finally begun asking Zevran for news of Aedan and his fellow Wardens, despite it being a painful topic. Zevran told what he knew of their most recent exploits; the three men laughing over wine and a meal of Oghren's disgusting habits, Sigrun's frustration with her fellow dwarf and Nathaniel who inevitably ended up in the middle of their arguments as he tried to be peacemaker. It was clear how much he missed them.

Anders felt the annoying buzz of Justice, the spirit complaining that this pointless talk was a waste of time. He rubbed his forehead, silently begging Justice to be quiet. The spirit took little notice fuming at his perception of Anders weakness, his laziness and his lack of drive to free his fellow mages. Anders took another sip of wine simply to annoy Justice regretting it moments later wincing at the headache that bloomed at his temples.

Fenris had watched Anders in growing concern knowing the signs that Justice was becoming problematic for him. "Anders?"

"Just a headache." He whispered.

Fenris moved his chair beside him, gently cupping his cheek. "You are stronger than Justice Anders; he may reside within you, but you are in control."

Anders glanced at him clearly in pain. "I only wish that was true." He pushed back from the table as the Fade opened within him.

"_**You make him weak!" **_Justice raged at Fenris. _**"You make him unfocused, foolish and sickening."**_

Fenris rose to his feet. "Control yourself Justice."

Zevran had slowly stood his hands on his daggers. The scene before him was disturbing to say the least.

"_**You are a distraction I can no longer allow!"**_

Zevran glanced to Fenris in alarm looking for direction. He could disable Anders without causing permanent damage and readied himself to do so if required, acknowledging Fenris's motion to stay his hand.

"Justice you are a guest only within Anders and you would do well to remember that! Without Anders you would have died if such a thing happens to spirits, or left to move formless through this world."

"_**He is weak. Without me he would be nothing!"**_

Fenris felt his temper flare. "Be silent spirit I will not hear your poison."

Justice snarled. _**"I grow tired of your influence on him." **_He struck without warning, but Fenris was quicker and grabbed his wrists pinning him to the wall. His lyrium brands burned brightly, his face furious.

"Anders you will take control do you hear me!"

Anders struggled violently within himself, gasping in pain and slumping against Fenris as he finally suppressed the furious spirit. "Fenris I'm so sorry. Oh Maker I'm so sorry." He sobbed.

Fenris held him tightly, rubbing his neck soothingly glancing to Zevran whose worried look matched his own. "When you have your strength back completely you will be able to keep him in check."

Anders shook his head clinging to Fenris. "He's too strong." He gave a wretched sob. "One day I'll be gone completely and there will only be Justice. Maker it's what he wants and I can't stop it."

Fenris gripped him tightly, Anders burying his face into his chest. "I won't let that happen Anders."

**xXx**

A week later Zevran was on a ship to Amaranthine, telling Anders only that he had received word Aedan wished to speak to him. His mission was now not one of monitoring Anders, but of saving him and they were running out of time.


	4. The Fight Within

Anders watched the ship depart with Zevran and felt a rush of anxiety. After Justice's outburst Anders had been aware that Fenris and Zevran had kept a closer watch on him. Thankfully Justice had not attempted to take control again, but that just made Anders uneasy. He clearly disapproved of Fenris and Anders was afraid for him. He smiled weakly as Fenris nudged him gently before they headed back to Hightown and the mansion.

"This place seems empty without Zevran." Anders commented with a slight smile. "For such a slight man he has an expansive personality."

Fenris chuckled. "He will be back."

Anders caught his hand as Fenris moved to climb the stairs. "I was thinking perhaps I could start a new clinic." He winced at the look of disbelief on Fenris's face.

"Do you want the Templars to kill you?"

"Of course not, but I need to do something. At the clinic I felt useful. I helped people." He sighed sinking onto the steps. "I can't believe everything is gone, not that there was much but …" He felt tears well in his eyes wishing he had brought his few belongings to the mansion; if he had, the pillow, a gift from his mother would have been saved. Instead it was a charred lump along with everything else. "At least the book survived."

Fenris gave a hiss of annoyance that Anders thankfully realised was not directed at himself. Fenris gripped his arm and gently tugged him up the stairs an almost excited boyish look on his face. He sat Anders down and then hurried into another room.

Anders stared open mouthed as Fenris returned placing the pillow into his hands. "How?"

"After you were wounded I had Zevran watch over you and I went to get more supplies from the clinic. I picked this up while I was there. I'm sorry I didn't give it to you sooner, you kept bleeding so much and I thought you would be upset if it ended up stained and then I forgot."

Anders gazed at him with utter adoration. "Fenris this means everything … it's the only thing I have of my mother." He trembled clutching the pillow to his chest. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Fenris knelt beside him looking miserable. "I should have given it to you earlier …" He was stopped by Anders lips pressing hard to his.

"Thank you Fenris, it's perfect right now."

Fenris smiled and kissed him gently. "If you need something to keep you occupied over the winter I have something you can help me with."

Anders raised an eyebrow giving him a cheeky grin. "Do tell."

Fenris flushed slightly and picked up the book from the mantelpiece. "We haven't had a chance to start this with Zevran being here, but I thought …" He shifted slightly looking uncertain.

Anders gently took his hand. "It sounds like a great idea to me." Feeling himself grow warm at the smile spreading across Fenris's face.

**xXx**

Fenris couldn't take his eyes from Anders; the firelight flickered over his skin giving it a soft glow, his hair hanging loose from its braids drifting passed his shoulders. Even the scars across his back seemed softened. He watched as Anders carefully checked over his almost healed side before he reached for his tunic, glancing up a warm smile dancing on his lips. Fenris sank into those beautiful hazel eyes that had appeared in his dreams since first meeting the mage. He moved slowly to Anders sinking to his knees and gently cupping his cheek, running his thumb through the trimmed beard. It still felt strange, but he was starting to like it. He pressed his lips to Anders in a tender kiss, smiling at the soft purr like rumble from his lover.

Anders smiled. "Shall we read tonight?"

Fenris gently took his hand that was still holding the tunic. "Perhaps later. Will you tell me about Justice?"

Anders paled and let out a deep sigh. "Fenris I …"

"Please, I want to understand. I want to know what lead you to join with each other."

Anders sat with his back pressed to Fenris's chest; his head leaning against his shoulder, the tunic draped across his knees. "We had travelled to the Blackmarsh; Aedan, Nathaniel, Oghren and myself. We were looking for Kristoff; another Warden, but we were too late and he was long dead, used as a means to lure us there. We were trapped in the Fade by one of the Emissaries of the Mother and that's where we first met Justice. A whole village had been trapped in the Fade by the Baroness and he was determined to bring them freedom and justice. You should have seen him in the Fade Fenris. He literally glowed, a beautiful white gold light. So pure." He gave a deep sigh. "When we escaped, Justice was trapped outside of the Fade in Kristoff's body." He shifted uncomfortably wincing at the pull of his side.

Fenris shifted slightly to help him find a more comfortable position. "How did he leave the Fade?"

"I only have theories, but I think when the Baroness sent us back she didn't just open the Fade she ripped it open forcing our group through and at the time that included Justice. Maybe her magic made no distinction between us. Personally I think she did it to torment him, his punishment for going against her." He shook his head. "Imagine being ripped away from all you have ever known, dumped in a strange place with no way home."

Fenris gently nuzzled Anders neck. "You could empathise with him having been ripped from your own home and taken to the Circle?"

"I suppose, I didn't really think about it at first. We defeated the baroness and then returned to the Keep. I … I didn't sleep much even then, my nightmares of the Circle were joined by new ones of the Deep Roads and Justice never slept, trapped in that damn corpse." Anders made a soft huffing noise. "I thought only of myself back then, Justice was not impressed. He demanded to know why I did not fight for the freedom of other mages. I told him I had enough trouble keeping myself free, but little by little his words made me restless. It wasn't that I didn't want to help other mages; I just had no idea how. He wanted to know about the Circles, about the Templars. I … I had never told anyone what happened to me in the Circle. Keep a smile on your face and no-one realises how close you are to breaking, but I told him everything. Every cruel; petty moment, every fear that tore into me in the dark and he listened. He never once disbelieved me; never once suggested that Templars would never hurt their charges, but most of all he never told me that my very birth was a sin. He accepted me and together we spoke of a different future; a future where mages were not imprisoned, where we had the rights of any other man or woman. We had the right to walk in the streets without fear of capture, the right to have friends." He swallowed painfully. "The right to love." He pressed closer to Fenris as his arms tightened their hold. "I searched every book we had, every tome I could get my hands on for a way to help him return and when we realised it was impossible Justice came to me with another solution." Anders felt Justice flicker and shifted again. "Perhaps we can continue this tomorrow, I feel too agitated to continue."

"You mean Justice is becoming agitated."

"We are one and the same." Anders muttered dully.

Fenris shifted gently coaxing Anders to look at him. "It is you I make love with, not Justice. If you were as bound as you believe there would be no conflict between you. Trust me Anders, you may both inhabit the same body, but you are still distinct from each other. Remember that and you will never lose yourself to him."

Anders gave a weak smile. "Do you have any idea how much I love you?"

Fenris smiled lovingly. "I'm starting to realise, I think we both are."

**xXx**

Justice remained silent as Anders spoke of their time together in Amaranthine. He remembered how overwhelming everything was; how the Commander had done his best to help him adjust, but it had been Anders who had soothed him. He too remembered the nights spent talking until dawn light crept across the sky banishing the darkness. Anders understood him as no other did, not simply because he was a mage, but because of the experiences that had made him into the man he was. Little by little Anders had opened up to him and Justice seethed with the injustices that had been heaped on him. He wanted above everything else to bring justice to the man he now called friend. He had been intensely frustrated by Anders resistance to actively work to free mages, but realised that his words were having an impact and the mage needed to be coaxed not forced.

He remembered their merging. To be in a living body was unlike anything he had imagined. His experience of emotion was through Kristoff's fragmented memories whose energetic imprint had remained within his corpse. With Anders the emotions were vibrant, rich and completely overwhelming. Now instead of having Anders words to give colour to his experiences he now shared his memories, his pain. He felt the true depths of Anders fear and his anger ignited. Justice had asserted himself to give his friend the strength to face the injustice that surrounded them, to enable him to face the Templars.

They could not do the much needed work in the Wardens so he had continued to coax and finally they had travelled to Kirkwall pulled by the injustice that steeped the city in its misery. Anders did what he did best, healing and within him Justice watched and planned. Justice preferred Anders when he was on his own, with no-one to distract him he became focused and the ally Justice had hoped he would be, however it was not to last. First Anders had been distracted by Hawke, but then the elf joined their group.

Justice had never experienced hate for himself, but when it came to Fenris he learnt quickly. The former slave was prejudiced against mages, openly hating Anders and calling him abomination and weak. Justice wanted to strike him down, but Anders kept tight control of himself. Given the injustices Fenris had clearly experienced himself Justice was at a loss as to why Anders had become the target of his displeasure.

As months passed Justice realised a new feeling intermingled with the resentment and anger, an emotion he had experienced only as a shadow in Kristoff's memories. Anders was falling in love. Justice raged at him; pointed out how foolish he was being. It was then Justice realised something else was happening; they were no longer in harmony, their thoughts becoming distinct from each other.

Justice needed Anders focused and when Fenris was around the mage was distracted by his pathetic love of him and to Justice's extreme frustration Fenris seemed to give him strength he would not have had alone. He had tried to make Anders realise that Fenris would never fight for him as he would, that love was a foolish waste of time that was insubstantial, but even attacking Fenris had not sent him from Anders side. He ignored Anders pleads for him to stop, to be calm.

For Anders own good Justice continued to feed Anders insecurities and fears; feeling no remorse as Anders was haunted by nightmares, waking screaming in the night. He would eventually gain control and when he did he would dispose of Fenris permanently and finally the Templars would pay and the Chantry would fall.

**xXx**

"Did it hurt when you joined?"

Anders locked his gaze on the floor. They had spent the day clearing out the bone pit of a High Dragon and her dragonlings and they were exhausted. He pulled on his bed clothes and joined Fenris, snuggling under the blanket on the bed. "It was excruciating. I felt as though my body was on fire. Then it became confusing. I couldn't tell which thoughts were mine and which were Justice's. For the longest time there was no distinction." He smiled as Fenris's arm curled around his waist, his breath hot against his ear.

"What changed?"

Anders blinked and turned his head slightly gazing at Fenris. "You kissed me."

Fenris watched him startled by the admission.

"When I'm with you I feel more myself than I have in years. When we are apart I feel myself diminish."

Fenris gently squeezed his waist. "Then I shall endeavour to ensure we are never parted."

**xXx**

Anders sat bolt upright from a nightmare where Justice took control and wrapped his hands around Fenris's throat as he slept. Anders slowed his heart rate clutching his aching side and forced himself to slowly turn to Fenris,. He gave a sob of relief; Fenris was curled on his side sleeping, the soft rise and fall of his chest accompanied by the occasional soft snore. Anders rose and moved to the fireplace lighting a fire and wiping the tears from his eyes. It was foolish for him to stay, what if one morning he awoke and his dream had become a reality. As he gazed into the flames he thought about Fenris's words to him, that he and Justice were still distinct from each other. He heard Justice's whispers in the back of his mind; that Fenris was a threat, that he hated Anders, had always hated him and he was only with him because Hawke had bullied him into it. Anders shook his head in frustration. "Fenris loves me." He snapped irritably. "Nothing you say will change that and I will never let you hurt him."

"I'm glad to hear it."

Anders turned sharply as Fenris settled next to him, shivering slightly as Fenris tucked a lock of hair behind his ear.

"Bad dream?"

Anders nodded. "Fenris I was thinking maybe I should get a room at the Hanged Man for a while."

Fenris raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

"Because I don't want to wake up one morning finding I've throttled you in your sleep."

"That is not going to happen."

"I don't trust myself." He whispered.

Fenris tilted his chin until Anders looked at him. "I trust you. Now come back to bed." Anders finally fell into a restless doze; Fenris remaining awake for some time watchful of each twitch and sign of distress. He brought his lips to Anders ear when he was sure he was asleep. "I know you can hear me Justice. You once saw Anders as your friend. It was his compassion that saved you. I want you to think about that the next time you feel inclined to torture him. Where is the justice in destroying the man who risked himself so you would continue to exist?" Fenris held his breath as he saw a slight blue glow ripple over Anders skin before it faded. "I hope we understand each other Justice, I love Anders and I will tolerate no harm to him."

**xXx**

Justice had been quiet for some time to Anders relief though he remained fearful for Fenris's sake. Fenris indulged Anders as he made up a second bedroom; fixing a lock to the outside of the door, making Fenris swear if Justice attempted to harm him in any way he was to lock him in. Fenris knew how much Anders feared being locked in rooms and it was this desperate measure that made Fenris realise just how afraid Anders was.

They spent the winter weeks in the mansion, most days curled up next to the fire as they read the book retrieved from the clinic. Under Anders patient tutelage Fenris's reading had become fluent and once finished Fenris begged Anders indulgence to read through the book a second time. Anders was happy to do so, the book was one of hope and that was something he sorely needed.

Justice remained silent, watching Fenris through Anders eyes and slowly turned his attention to vengeance.


	5. Witch of The Wilds

Aedan glanced up with delight as Zevran entered the study, standing and embracing his friend. "Maker it's good to have you back. You look tired."

"The journey was a little wilder than I would have liked."

"Well winter on the Waking Sea was never going to be calm." He chuckled. "I didn't expect you back so soon."

"It became necessary."

Aedan nodded, swallowing the rising panic in his chest. "You can tell me all about it over a hot meal. My curiosity can wait until you get cleaned up." Aedan had so many questions, but he forced himself to hold back until Zevran had bathed and then they ate together, Aedan's curiosity and need for news finally getting the better of him. He brushed the dark brown locks of hair from his face. "How is he Zevran?"

"Tormented."

Aedan's face fell. "Are we too late?"

"No my friend, but he is weakening. It is a fight he is slowly losing." Zevran gave him a quick rundown of the events from him joining Hawke's eclectic group.

Aedan rubbed his forehead wincing when Zevran explained how he was injured. "Bloody Templars. Why can't they just leave him alone?"

"His efforts with the mage resistance and the clinic made him a target I believe they could not resist."

"At least he has friends, though I would never have imagined him with Fenris. He always seemed so antagonistic towards Anders from your description."

Zevran smiled warmly. "Sometimes it is a fine line between hate and love."

"I'm glad he has someone." Aedan glanced to his hands letting out a sigh.

"He misses you."

Aedan glanced up swallowing hard. "He does?"

Zevran smiled and squeezed his arm. "Very much."

"Then why won't he come home?" Aedan burst out in frustration.

"Because he feels he has failed you and he can find no way to rectify his mistake."

"He regrets it then?"

"Deeply." Zevran shook his head in annoyance. "Justice is worse than a demon. He torments Anders, gives him little peace. I have witnessed his disturbed sleep, the nightmares that make him scream in the night." He gave an involuntary shudder. "I have also witnessed Justice. He believes Fenris and Anders friends to be a distraction of his work. Justice is not quite how you described him."

Aedan rose to his feet his temper boiling. "What did they bloody expect? Two beings in the same body can't work, common sense tells you that! Especially with Anders past!" He fell silent; he remembered overhearing Justice and Anders talking, felt as he had felt then the fury of Anders treatment at the hands of the Templars. He knew he should have walked away, but he had stood in the cold corridor for hours as Anders spilled out his soul to the spirit. Aedan had never told Anders he knew, but each day he ached at the mages smile knowing the torment behind it.

"Justice's body was decomposing, Anders thought to help his friend those were your words to me."

Aedan sighed and sat back in the seat. "Bloody fool." He muttered; but the anger was gone, only sorrow remaining. "Still we have hope."

"You have found Morrigan then?"

"She has led me a merry dance; from the Wilds to abandoned Thaigs, but I believe I know where she is heading. It is a day's ride from here; to the place I killed The Mother if you would believe it. It seems you have arrived in time to accompany us."

Zevran raised an eyebrow. "Why would she go there?"

"I found a map in her old hut; it shows an Island beyond the caves. That is where I believe Morrigan is heading."

"And she just left the map for you to find?"

"I share your caution Zevran, but what choice do I have. It is the only lead." He bowed his head. "I can't lose him Zev. Even if he never comes back I need to know I tried everything to help him. I couldn't save my family. I couldn't save ..." He gave a shuddering breath. "I couldn't save Alistair. I can't let Anders fall too."

Zevran moved to Aedan placing his hand on his shoulder. "Those deaths were not your fault Aedan and Alistair would not wish you to carry the burden of his death."

"He wasn't supposed to die. I …." He fell silent. He had never told anyone of what had occurred the eve before battle. That Morrigan, the only woman he had ever loved finally revealed herself. That he had lain with her one final time to save himself and Alistair, knowing she would leave and he would never see her again. Now he was desperately searching for her; not for himself but for a friendship he refused to let go of, but still his heart ached and he was afraid of what it would mean to see her. He shrugged the thoughts away and glanced to Zevran. "We leave at first light."

**xXx**

Zevran ducked the jet of flame and rolled to the left crouching behind a large rock. Aedan was at the far side of the entrance to what appeared to be an ancient temple of sorts, flat against the ground under the shelter of the bones of some large beast. Nathaniel and Sigrun were further back sheltered behind a stone archway. Zevran slowed his breathing and peered around the rock. The dragon was moving towards Aedan. He glanced to Nathaniel and Sigrun and nodded. They moved as one. Nathaniel fired a burning arrow into the dragon's eye. Sigrun hurtled towards it driving her dagger into its belly. Zevran leapt onto its back scaling its neck driving his blade just below its skull as Aedan rolled out from the bones and leapt forward driving his sword down its throat. The creature finally lay still, all four gasping painfully.

"Just like the old days." Aedan muttered.

Zevran remembered the dragon at Haven only too well; having a scar down his left leg to attest to the fight, not to mention the Archdemon. He rubbed his thigh unconsciously. "Thankfully not quite like the old days."

Aedan noticed his gesture and winced. "Thankfully." He shoved open the door to the temple and stepped inside.

**xXx**

The door entered into a cavern of sorts with a lake of black and a pathway of stones to a small island. Aedan froze; in front of the Eluvian built into the rock was Morrigan. She was even more beautiful than he remembered. Aedan forced himself to move motioning for those with him to stay where they were. He cautiously made his way towards her; the only movement she made was to walk down one step, her eyes never leaving him. "Morrigan."

"I told you not to follow me, what happened between us …"

"I am not here to talk about us Morrigan." Aedan interrupted quickly, surprised to see the flicker of disappointment before her look of steel was back in place.

"Then to what do I owe such a visit?" She snapped. Aedan talked and Morrigan listened; her eyebrow raising, her curiosity peaked. "I cannot help you. I must leave, my time here is limited." She almost winced at the disappointment on Aedan's face. "However there is a book over by the campsite. I have taken from it what I needed; I have no further use for it. I believe it will aid you in what you seek. It is an ancient tome and within its pages is a spell that may free your friend, but with all powerful spells they exact a price. Be certain you and the mage understand that before continuing."

"What price?"

"You may lose the very thing you seek to regain."

Aedan paled, his eyes flicking to the tome. "Is it blood magic?"

"Perhaps some would class it as such, it is from a time before such foolish distinctions." She rested her hand briefly against his cheek smiling sadly as he leaned into her touch. "Sometimes we must do distasteful things for a greater cause and sometimes we must give up that which is most precious to us."

He glanced to her, his heart thumping painfully, the words leaving his lips before he could stop them. "Our child …"

"He is safe."

Aedan felt as though he was struggling to breathe. "I have a son?"

Morrigan nodded. Her heart was not stone and seeing Aedan again brought a rush of feelings she was ill prepared for. Leaving him had been the hardest thing she had ever thought she would do, but now standing with him once more she realised that leaving him for the second time would be far worse.

"Please let me see him Morrigan."

Morrigan turned and moved back towards the Eluvian. "I cannot."

"He's my son too!" Aedan hissed.

Morrigan sighed. "I told you not to come for me; this is why. I can give you only pain. I am … sorry." She turned to the Eluvian her fingers drifting across the liquid surface.

"Morrigan wait!" Aedan moved to her side, pulling her tight to him and torturing them both with his hunger filled kiss. When they parted tears were slipping down Morrigan's face. Aedan gently brushed them away with his thumb, pressing soft kisses to her lips. "Give me some hope love."

Morrigan lowered her eyes, her voice trembling. "I have none to give."

Aedan's arms fell to his sides. He closed his eyes feeling her lips press once more to his before she moved back and when he opened his eyes Morrigan was gone, the Eluvian's surface solid once more. He collapsed to his knees a howl of despair leaving his lips. Hands gripped his shoulders and Aedan clung to Zevran, years of tightly suppressed pain and grief finally pouring out of him. He had no idea how long he knelt on the cold stone weeping into Zevran's arms. He wept for his slaughtered family and for Alistair who had met his death in the jaws of the Archdemon distracting it from Leliana. He shuddered as he remembered the bards wails as she had clung to her fallen love. He wept for love denied him and the son he had never seen.

Zevran said nothing, simply holding his friend until his sobs died and Aedan slumped against him exhausted and still they knelt on the stone, Aedan burying his face against Zevran's chest.

Seeing Morrigan again had shattered the fragile wall Aedan had built around his heart to protect himself from giving into despair. With it gone he found he had no will to move. His love was truly gone and with her the chance to see his son. He would never hold him in his arms, never teach him to hunt or use a sword. He would never hear his laughter or sooth him from hurt. He had known that was the price he would pay when Morrigan had come to him, but he had never really believed she would leave and after the battle when he had been unable to find her the cold reality settled in. Morrigan was gone, and she would not be coming back.

He had gone on with his life. Mourned Alistair; comforted Leliana before she too departed saying she was going to Orlais, unable to remain in Ferelden without the man who had come to mean everything to her. He had tried to keep a track on her and she seemed to have found a place within Empress Celene's court. Wynne had returned to the circle; Sten had returned home and Oghren left him briefly before meeting back up with him at Vigil's Keep. Aedan glanced to Zevran; the one constant in his life, the man who had been hired to kill him, who had saved his life on more occasions than he could count.

He was Warden Commander, he had new friends and allies but the losses he had experienced tore him anew each day. Letting out a shuddering breath Aedan clenched his hands finally allowing Zevran to help him to stand. They retrieved the tome his fingers drifted over the finely bound parchment. He had lost so much, but he was not going to lose Anders. "I will save you brother, whatever it takes. I swear it."


	6. To Take A Chance

As spring returned to Kirkwall so too did Zevran. He brought with him a letter from Aedan. Anders clutched the parchment to his chest sitting beside the fire to read it.

Zevran settled at the table with Fenris accepting the glass of wine. They both turned to Anders as he gasped. Zevran watched the mages face pale. "Aedan hoped you would at least consider his suggestion."

Anders looked up, his hands trembling as he gripped the parchment. "Does he really think there is a way to free me from Justice?"

Neither Fenris nor Zevran were deaf to the note of desperation in his tone. Zevran nodded. "He met with Morrigan before she … left. She provided a spell and he has had two of his Warden mages working out the practicalities. He believes it can be done."

Anders stared into the fire. To be free of Justice was more than he could comprehend. He wasn't even sure who he would be after so long if it worked.

Fenris knelt beside him. "This is good news Anders."

"I know, I just … I … it might not work."

Fenris tenderly cupped his cheek. "Is it not worth trying?"

Anders gazed at him his hands trembling. "I'm afraid to hope." He whispered.

**xXx**

Anders was relieved to be leaving Kirkwall as Justice had become vocal once more and his demands were increasingly violent, but he was sad to leave his friends. He told them only that he was visiting his old Commander. Anders was under no illusions of how dangerous this magic would be and though he did not say it out loud he knew there was a chance he would not survive it. He was not even sure if Fenris understood that. The goodbyes had been tearful, Anders thanking them for their help and support over the years. He settled into the cabin, Zevran and Fenris on deck watching Kirkwall fade into the distance. Anders sat on the bed trying to remain calm. He was afraid. Afraid of returning to Ferelden, of seeing Aedan and the Wardens, of the spell not working and of what would happen, who he would be if it did work. He took the parchment and ink from his pack and settled down to write. It was no manifesto for the freedom of mages; it was his own story, the man he had been and the man he had become when he had joined with Justice. He wrote down everything; his fears, Justice's drive, even the more alarming demands the spirit had been making of late. He rarely left the cabin; spending his time writing, much to the discomfort of Fenris who had to coax him to leave the parchment and get some fresh air. At night they would take what moments they had to show each other how they felt, bound to each other in ways they had never imagined. As Fenris slept Anders would manifest a small wisp and continue to write; driven to finish the manuscript in case he died. His quill quivered as he wrote of his relationship with Fenris; of his fear, his jealousy and finally his acceptance of his own feelings.

Anders gazed at the many pages and bound them with string carefully tucking it into the bottom of his pack. It was done and finally his exhaustion crept up on him. He wrapped a blanket around himself and curled up next to Fenris smiling as his arm curled around him. Tomorrow morning would see them once more in Ferelden. Anders closed his eyes memorising this precious feeling of being held and wanted and loved.

**xXx**

Aedan paced the courtyard eager for Zevran's return and praying Anders returned with him. He heard Nathaniel give a shout and he darted onto the battlements, his heart thumping as he saw three figures in the distance. He smiled delightedly at Nathaniel who was also grinning. "He came." Both men leapt down from the battlements and hurried along the road to greet the travellers.

Anders saw their approach feeling the knot build in his stomach. This had been a mistake; he should never have come back, it would open old wounds that he was not sure he could survive. He felt Fenris gently grip his arm.

"Calm yourself Anders." He soothed.

Anders glanced at him and swallowed with difficulty feeling the panic rise as Aedan broke into a run and finally reached them gripping Anders in a tight hug.

Aedan felt a swell of emotion that almost ripped open his chest. "Anders." He whispered. He felt the tension of the mage fade and felt his embrace returned. Aedan didn't bother to hide his tears, pulling back only to look at Anders, holding his arms. "My friend it is good to see you."

Anders blinked back his own tears and gave a slight smile. "It's good to be seen."

Aedan grinned and pulled him tight to his chest once again. Anders was really here, he could barely believe it. He finally stepped back smiling as Nathaniel took his place pulling Anders into a quick hug before releasing him.

Together the five men returned to the Keep. Anders glanced up startled at the shriek to see Sigrun race down the steps and fling herself at him clinging to his waist. "Hi Sig." He whispered.

"If I wasn't so pleased to see you I would slap you all over this Keep!" She muttered refusing to let go.

"Well if it isn't Sparkle Fingers himself." Oghren grinned moving out of the smithy.

Anders couldn't help the smile; he had never imagined such a reception from his fellow Wardens. "Ah my favourite ale-swilling mountain of belches."

Oghren grinned. "It's good to have you back kid."

**xXx**

Anders sat on the edge of the bed staring at the door trying to make himself get up and join the others for evening meal. He had sent Fenris and Zevran on ahead and now he found he couldn't move. He glanced up startled at the knock and smiled as Sigrun peered around the door before entering and sitting on the bed next to him.

"So …"

"So …"

Sigrun smiled. "Come and eat you must be hungry."

"I've lost my appetite, actually I was thinking about getting some sleep."

"Are you going to avoid us forever?"

Anders lowered his head. "Not forever." He glanced to Sigrun startled as she took his hand.

"I've missed you."

"I'm not who I was."

Sigrun nodded in understanding. "But you will be."

Anders pulled his hand away and moved to the window. "Sig please leave."

Sigrun stared at him in surprise. "Anders what's wrong?"

Anders turned his eyes panicked as he struggled with Justice who was furious that they were daring to try and remove him. "Please Sigrun, leave."

Sigrun held her ground her eyes widening as the blue gleam of the Fade erupted around Anders body, his eyes gleaming blue.

"_**I will not leave him!" **_Justice snarled.

Sigrun stared stunned; they had each been warned of course, but she had never imagined it would be like this. "Justice what have you done to each other?"

"_**This body is mine!"**_

Sigrun felt her temper flare. "Not for much longer! We are going to get Anders back whether you like it or not!"

"_**Fool! Anders is weak, no spell can help him." **_Justice loomed over Sigrun. _**"You threaten my purpose."**_

Sigrun's eyes widened as Justice lunged for her, rolling to the ground and kicking him between the legs, sending her elbow into his jaw as he collapsed to his knees still reaching for her. She winced as the flare of Justice dimmed leaving Anders clutching himself whimpering in pain. She moved to his side whispering her apologies hugging him tightly her heart pounding painfully.

"I'm sorry Sig, I'm so sorry." Anders wept.

Sigrun gently stroked his hair rocking him gently. "It wasn't you Anders, I know it wasn't you."

**xXx**

Anders avoided being in the presence of the other Wardens after what had happened with Sigrun. Justice was beyond furious and raged at Anders day and night, he refused the mage sleep or rest forcing him towards exhaustion so that he could take over. Anders was terrified feeling the creature of Vengeance rising within him. Fenris tried to bring him from his dark thoughts; but he withdrew from him too terrified of causing him harm, moving into a room and isolating himself much to Fenris's intense distress.

Aedan knew they couldn't afford any mistakes; but urged the mages to be quick in their final preparations, they were losing Anders and he had come too far to let that happen. Finally he was told they were ready and he went to get Anders himself; feeling his heart break as he entered the room to see his friend sitting in a corner of the room, his hair tangled and unwashed, dark circles beneath his eyes and his face pale. He had his arms wrapped around his knees which were pulled to his chest rocking slightly as he mumbled to himself.

Anders glanced up staring at Aedan; he felt exhausted, the struggle to keep Vengeance from taking over him was a fight he was losing. He broke down as Aedan gently pulled him into a hug.

"I'm so sorry Anders, but we are going to make this better I promise. Come, let's get you washed and something clean to wear."

Anders allowed himself to be led to the bathroom; flushing as Aedan helped him to wash, gently combing out the tangles of his hair. "Aedan I … I can't hold him back much longer. His rage is … it's too much."

Aedan gently helped him on with his clothes. "Come with me you need something to eat, you need your strength."

Anders struggled against him but was too weak. "Aedan please, I might hurt someone."

Aedan pressed him against the wall forcing Anders to look at him. "You won't because I won't let you."

Anders shivered. "What if I hurt you?" He whimpered.

Aedan pressed their foreheads together. "You're hurting me by staying away from me." He held Anders as the mage gave a choked sob. "Come with me Anders, please." Aedan led his reluctant friend down the stairs and into a room off the main hall. "Forgive me." He whispered as he backed away a glyph flaring at Anders feet. He shivered at Anders alarmed look.

Vengeance burst to the surface snarling and hissing at Aedan demanding he be freed.

Aedan moved close to the glyph, his own anger palpable. "You will free my friend, or by the Maker we will rip you from him."

Vengeance glanced startled as two mages stepped forward a soft blue glow emanating from their hands. Fenris; Zevran, Sigrun, Nathaniel and Oghren stepped forward determination in their eyes.

Vengeance howled in fury. _**"This body is mine, I will not give it up."**_

Fenris couldn't stop the snarl that ripped from this throat. "You will give him back to me demon!"

Vengeance gave another howl pounding at the energy now surrounding him as the mages invoked the second part of the glyph. Vengeance's red glow dimmed and Anders collapsed to his knees gasping in pain as the magic began to swirl around him. He glanced up at Aedan his hazel eyes filled with pain. "Please stop." He gave a groan of pain curling into himself. "Aedan please, Maker it's like fire."

Aedan sank to his knees. "Just a little longer Anders."

Anders scream of pain terrified them all, his body violently arching backwards as the blue energy flowed around and through him.

Fenris dropped to his knees. "Anders!"

His eyes glowed, Vengeance laughing. _**"Pitiful! He is weak!"**_

Fenris felt his rage flare. "He's anything but weak!" He roared. "Release him!"

Vengeance cocked his head and smirked. _**"If I go he dies."**_

Fenris was gripped by Zevran; Oghren and Nathaniel and pinned to the floor, his struggles increasing at Vengeance's laughter. They all froze as Anders gave a scream of pain and terror. This was no gentle magic; it tore into the struggling mage, gripping the spirit and dragging it from his body.

Anders felt as though he was being consumed by fire; he felt Vengeance being torn from him, screamed as the spirit clawed at his mind in their struggle.

Vengeance realised he did not have the strength to remain. In a last moment of cruelty he tore through Anders mind, relishing his screams of agony. He gave a howl as the magic finally pulled them apart, before he was enveloped in a crushing sensation as the magic held him.

Aedan glared at the spirit. "I should never have kept you with us. I should have destroyed Kristoff's body and left you to fade. That is a mistake I will rectify now. You will _never_ hurt anyone again!"

Vengeance stared at him, screaming as the mages formed a new spell around him. It was pulling him apart. He clawed at the energy, but there was no escape. The energy intensified and with it an unexpected sense of peace descended around the spirit. For a moment he was Justice once more, glancing to Anders feeling only remorse. "I am sorry." His words whispered as his form shimmered and fragmented, becoming tiny sparkles of light before fading. Vengeance was destroyed and Justice was finally free. The energy of who he was returning to the Fade, cleansed and whole once more.

They all turned to Anders who was lying face down on the floor. Fenris moved to him, gently pulling him into his arms. "Anders, Anders open your eyes love." Anders didn't move; his chest barely rising, blood snaking its way onto his lips from his nose. Fenris gripped him tightly. "Please Anders, please don't leave me."


	7. Learning Who You Are

Anders woke several days later disorientated. At first he seemed unsure who anyone was his memories fragmented. Little by little he regained his memories; however the last four years with Justice appeared to have been wiped completely. He had no recollection of meeting Fenris or Zevran, no memories of Kirkwall. It was as though he was picking up from before he had left Amaranthine.

Fenris watched him with a mixture of relief and grief. Anders had no idea who Fenris was, but he was alive and Justice was gone. Anders looked more relaxed than he had ever seen him and he had laughed more in the last week than he had witnessed in their entire time together in Kirkwall. He held onto the hope that his memories would return, but as a month passed and there was still no change Fenris realised Anders might never remember him. Zevran comforted and supported him and for that he was grateful, but he ached for Anders and felt lost without him.

**xXx**

Aedan finally told Anders of what had happened when it became clear he was not going to remember on his own. He told Anders he had taken Justice into himself and had gone to Kirkwall four years ago. He gave a deep sigh. "We finally found a spell to free you when it was becoming clear that Justice was showing violent tendencies."

Anders listened in silence, stunned and feeling off balance. "Did … did we do anything?"

Aedan sighed. "We separated you before Justice could get his way. He was determined to destroy the Chantry."

Anders stared at him struggling to comprehend what had happened. "Fenris is from Kirkwall isn't he?"

Aedan sighed and nodded. "You met him in Kirkwall. He and Zevran brought you back."

"When he looks at me it's like he's searching for something, were we friends?"

"Anders maybe you should speak to him, it might trigger some memories."

Anders shivered thinking about having Justice as part of him. "Maybe there are some I would not want back." He whispered.

**xXx**

Fenris was onto a second bottle of wine, glaring at the flames as though they offended him. He glanced to Zevran who was taking a sip from his own glass, watching him with concern. "I am poor company tonight." He muttered.

Zevran placed the glass on the table between them and stood taking that as his cue to leave. "Goodnight my friend, sleep well."

Fenris had been wrestling with his feelings and stood catching hold of Zevran's arm. "Zevran wait." He felt the flush rise on his cheeks. "You could stay … if you wanted."

Zevran glanced at him genuinely startled; he gave Fenris a searching look. "This is likely to complicate matters my friend."

Fenris moved to him his heart pounding. He pressed Zevran against the wall kissing him roughly relieved when he responded. "I need this." He whispered huskily. "I need you."

"You have drunk much tonight Fenris. You may regret this come morning." Zevran whispered.

"Tell me to stop and I will." His gaze moving to Zevran's eyes.

Zevran hesitated he couldn't deny he wanted this too, in the time they had spent together they had become close and he was struggling to deny the feelings that had developed for his fellow elf. "Anders may yet remember his love for you."

Fenris closed his eyes, his words choked. "He doesn't even know me. I've lost him Zev." He took a deep breath. "But he's free and I spoke truly when I said I would give anything for that, even giving him up. I just … I just want to feel and you're the only other person I trust."

Zevran pulled him close. "Then let us have this moment."

**xXx**

Anders couldn't help watching Fenris. He was magnificent in the training yard, graceful and deadly. Anders found him beautiful. His natural inclination was to flirt, but something held him back. They did have brief conversations, but Anders was unnerved by the intensity of Fenris's gaze.

It had been a little under a month since Aedan had told him what had happened and he had still not plucked up the courage to ask Fenris about his time in Kirkwall. He was sitting drinking with the Wardens when Fenris made his excuses and headed to his room. Anders watched him leave before concentrating on the card game, winning five hands before he downed another drink and rose.

"Where are you going Sparkles?" Oghren belched loudly.

"I'm going to see Fenris."

"Anders maybe you should wait until you're sober." Nathaniel called after him.

"I won't do it if I'm sober." Anders yelled back making his way to Fenris's room. He hesitated at the door trying to order his thoughts. There was no denying he found Fenris extremely attractive or the ache he felt when he saw him. He was playing with fire, but he couldn't stay away anymore. His hand rose to knock on the door, startled when the door suddenly opened Fenris glancing at him in alarm.

"Anders?"

Anders swallowed hard and lowered his hand. "Fenris. I … um …" He took a steadying breath. "Any chance I could have a word?"

Fenris swallowed painfully and glanced back before nodding and moving back letting him into the room.

Anders glanced to Zevran who was sitting on the bed fastening his boots. He closed his eyes, he should have realised. He felt like he had been punched in the gut. "Andraste's knickers I'm sorry. You know what, this doesn't matter. I'm sorry to have disturbed you." Anders moved to the door startled when Fenris barred his way.

Fenris couldn't bear being apart from Anders, it was slowly driving him crazy and now he was standing in his room he was desperate just to talk to him. "It does matter." Fenris stated softly.

Zevran stood. "I will leave you to talk." He squeezed Fenris's arm and smiled as he left the room.

Anders gazed at the floor uncomfortably.

"You wanted to talk." Fenris stated as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Anders chewed his lip. "I've spent the last few weeks trying to figure out what happened to me. Losing four years …" He ran his hand through his hair again. "I mean I remember Justice and I talking about the possibility, but knowing that we did it, that it went so wrong ..." He shuddered painfully.

Fenris felt his heart pound as the mask Anders had so carefully kept in place over the past couple of weeks since finding out about Kirkwall disintegrated and the hurt, vulnerable man he knew was staring at the floor tears in his eyes.

"Knowing that … that I destroyed my friend ..." Anders fell silent.

"You didn't destroy him." Fenris soothed.

"It was my anger that drove him to become Vengeance." He glanced at Fenris and sighed. "I look at you and feel my heart ache and I can't explain it. I want to understand. Did we mean something to each other, or am I just being crazy?"

Fenris had decided not to say anything; to allow him to remember in his own time, but he felt something and perhaps that was enough. "Yes." He whispered. "We meant something to each other." He closed the distance between then and gently cupped his cheek. "We meant a great deal to each other."

Anders couldn't stop himself from leaning into his touch. "I wish I could remember."

"I wish you could too."

Anders felt the world spin as Fenris's fingers gently caressed his jaw, his lips drifting across his. Anders pressed his hands to Fenris's chest as he returned the kiss.

Fenris pulled him as tight to his body as he could; two months without his touch had left him with an ache nothing would soothe, not even the nights he spent with Zevran. He took his time despite the passion building in him. He kissed Anders tenderly; his tongue dancing lightly against his.

Anders felt badly for Zevran, but he wanted to remember what he and Fenris were to each other. His kisses became desperate; Fenris guiding him backwards to the bed. He gasped as a stream of sensations and memories flooded his mind. He tried to grasp onto them; moments of sweet kisses, the soft touch of fingers drifting over skin, curling up on cold nights and standing side by side defending each other in fights. He felt Fenris's body pressing against his; his breath now sharp gasps as the memories continued, he shuddered as past and present collided in a string of sensations that left him struggling for breath. He closed his eyes unable to speak as Fenris pressed against him, his soft whispers of love making Anders ache.

**xXx**

Anders pretended to be asleep only opening his eyes when Fenris began to softly snore. The sensations and memories had been so intense, but now there was nothing. Gone as quickly as they had returned. He lay for a few more moments memorising the sensation of Fenris's body against his, before he eased out of his embrace. He quietly pulled on his clothes. "Be happy." He whispered, before he picked up his boots and crept out of the room hurrying along the corridor to his own room. He closed the door and leaned against it, dropping the boots to the floor and burying his face in his hands. It had been frustrating before, but now he felt the gaping wound in his heart that his memories should have filled. Anders closed his eyes, tears falling onto his palms. He took a deep breath and forcing back the tears he moved swiftly around the room putting the few belongings he had onto the bed and retrieving his pack. He couldn't go through that again, but he couldn't spend each day seeing Fenris and not being with him. Despite not remembering, the ache lingered. He needed to leave. He glanced at the bundle of parchment in the bottom of the pack, his natural curiosity getting the better of him. He glanced outside, dawn was still a few hours away he would just read a little and still be gone by first light.

**xXx**

As dawn flooded the room with its gentle rays Anders wiped the tears from his eyes and made his way back to Fenris's room. He hesitated and then entered, locking eyes with Fenris who was dressing a worried look on his face.

Fenris gave a sigh of relief. "Anders where have you been, I was worried?"

Anders took a deep breath clutching the parchment to his chest. "I must have written this in case I forgot, or maybe so you would know how I felt about you if I died." He swallowed painfully. "I'm not him … I'm not the man who wrote this but ..." He took a shuddering breath. "Last night I … I remembered us and then it was gone again." He blinked fiercely forcing back the tears. "I … I didn't think I could cope with it then I found this. Everything we have been through; the hate, the fights, falling in love and not daring to tell you. I … I'm not the man you fell in love with, but I … I want to be." He looked to Fenris desperation in his eyes. "We fought so much but even when I hated you I loved you and … and I realised I don't care how painful it is to remember and then forget again because being with you is worth it." He licked his lower lip nervously. "I know you're with Zevran … I don't even know if I'm someone you could even come to love, but if even a small part of your heart is open to me I wanted you to know that if you want to I'd like to try." He worried his lip and then placed the parchment on the desk. "I think maybe I meant you to have this." He turned to leave startled when Fenris gripped his wrist.

"You were going to run?"

Anders lowered his eyes. "I've never known anything else. I never meant to hurt you, I just … I didn't know what else to do. Running is what I know."

"And if I asked you to stay?" Fenris whispered; his voice husky, his lips inches from Anders.

Anders slowly raised his eyes sinking into vibrant green. "I'd stay."

Fenris smiled pressing his lips lightly to Anders. "I want you to stay more than anything. I love you Anders and nothing will change that. We'll get through this and if we cannot find a way for you to retrieve your old memories we can make new ones."

Anders gave him a sad smile. "And what of Zevran?"

Fenris smiled lovingly. "We agreed that if there was a chance of me being with you again I should not hesitate."

Anders gave him a shy smile. "I can share."

Fenris gave him a startled look and then allowed a bemused smiled. "We'll make it work Anders, I promise."


	8. Epilogue

Anders, Fenris and Zevran became inseparable and they stayed on at Vigil's Keep much to Aedan's delight.

Anders was happier than Fenris had ever known him. He was with friends he adored and who adored him. He was no longer plagued by Justice and although he still wished freedom for his fellow mages he was no longer driven to the exclusion of everything else and he had no intention of risking his own life or the life of any other to achieve it. He fell back into life as a Warden with ease, spending his days on patrol and his nights with his lovers. Anders learnt to cope with the intense flashes of memory that returned to him and departed just as quickly. It was painful, but waking up to Fenris and Zevran soothed him. He still had nightmares and would sometimes comment to them on particularly difficult nights that he wished the ritual had wiped his memories of the Circle too. Fenris and Zevran couldn't change his past, but they ensured that Anders knew he was loved and that he was not alone.

**xXx**

Six months after Anders and Justice were separated Aedan told Anders of his son. Anders swore to help find him and studied the tome Morrigan had given Aedan and spent the next year researching the Eluvian. He returned to Kirkwall with Fenris and Zevran only once to speak to Merrill at Fenris's suggestion and learn all that she knew. Fenris had already warned Hawke and the others that Anders had no memory of them, but the week they spent in Kirkwall they made a few new memories.

Returning to Amaranthine Anders informed Aedan that he believed he could activate the Eluvian. With Fenris and Zevran accompanying them and Nathaniel made temporary Commander, they departed.

The Eluvian Morrigan had walked through was unresponsive to any magic and Merrill had destroyed the one she had tried so hard to repair. They travelled the length and breadth of Thedas and finally after two years of following every lead and any scrap of information, they found an Eluvian buried in catacombs beneath The Hundred Pillars mountain range.

Aedan gazed at the gateway and trembled. Somewhere his son would be turning eight years old. Eight years he had missed and he refused to have any more time taken from them. They had no idea what they were walking into; if it would even work, but his friends had refused to allow him to do this alone and he had never been more grateful for their presence. He nodded to Anders, watching his fingers drifting across the surface of the Eluvian feeling the magic swell around them.

Anders whispered the incantations, the surface shimmering into life the solid surface becoming liquid. He turned to Aedan with a smile that lit his eyes. "Let's go meet your son."

The four men stepped into the Eluvian; ready to face the unknown for friendship, love and the bonds between them, the surface solidifying once more behind them.

**xXx**

_**Author Note:** Happy birthday Shadowfox, hope you have a great one!_


End file.
